Related Articles
- Why Developing Decision-Making Skills at a Young Age Is Important
- Having Effective Conversations With Your Teen About Substance Misuse
- 9 Positive Parenting Techniques That Will Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Child
Ask any parent what usually happens when their child starts asking them questions and they will probably tell you that it leads to more questions. They want to know more, they want to understand and they want to hear it from you.
I have a 10-year-old daughter who asks me more questions than I can keep track of. I love her willingness to learn about and understand the world around her, so I always want to be prepared to answer her questions. It is not always easy and I don’t always have all the answers, but I can often navigate the situation successfully with the right communication techniques.
As a presenter of programs for parents and children, I am often asked for tips on how to effectively communicate with children. Here are a few ways you can effectively communicate with your curious child and provide age-appropriate answers to their questions.
1. Make a direct connection with them.
Children are more likely to listen and engage when they feel seen and heard. Making a direct connection is key to showing them that their thoughts and feelings are important.
How to Do It:
- Get on Their Level: For younger children, kneel or sit so you can meet them at eye level. This helps them feel less intimidated and more connected. For example, when asking your toddler to put away their toys, sit beside them and gently guide their attention.
- Say Their Name: Using your child’s name gets their attention and signals that what you’re saying is important. For instance, “Ella, let’s talk about why we need to clean up before dinner.”
- Remove Distractions: If you’re on your phone or multitasking, put those aside when communicating. Full attention reinforces that they matter in the moment.
- Physical Gestures: Sometimes a touch on the shoulder or holding their hand can enhance the connection, especially if the topic is sensitive or emotional.
2. Model the communication you want to see from them.
Children learn by example. The way you speak to them—and others—teaches them how to express themselves and navigate interactions.
How to Do It:
- Use Polite Language: Regularly say “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me,” even in small, routine interactions. For example, “Can you please hand me the remote? Thank you!”
- Apologize When Necessary: Show them it’s okay to admit mistakes. If you overreact, say, “I’m sorry I got upset earlier. Can we talk about it?” This teaches accountability and respect.
- Avoid Yelling or Harsh Language: Instead of shouting, “Why didn’t you clean your room?” try a calm but firm tone: “Let’s talk about why your room isn’t cleaned yet.”
- Be Respectful: If your child interrupts, instead of snapping, gently remind them: “Let me finish speaking, and then I’ll listen to you.”
3. Use positive language and offer options.
Saying “no” or issuing commands can often lead to frustration for both you and your child. Reframing your responses with positive language and providing choices encourages cooperation and reduces resistance.
How to Do It:
- Reframe “No” Statements: Instead of saying, “No, you can’t go outside,” try, “Let’s finish homework first, and then you can play outside.”
- Give Limited Choices: For example, if your child doesn’t want to eat dinner, say, “Would you like chicken or pasta tonight?” This gives them autonomy while keeping the options manageable.
- Acknowledge Their Feelings: When denying a request, show understanding: “I know you want to stay up late, but getting enough sleep helps you feel good tomorrow. You can pick the bedtime story, though.”
Examples in Action:
- Instead of “Stop making a mess,” say, “Let’s tidy up together so we can have more space to play.”
- Instead of “You can’t wear that,” say, “Would you like to wear the red shirt or the blue one today?”
4. Simplify your directions.
Complex instructions can overwhelm children, leading to frustration or inaction. By breaking tasks into smaller, clear steps, you help them understand what’s expected.
How to Do It:
- Be Specific: Instead of saying, “Clean your room,” try, “First, put your toys in the basket, then put your books on the shelf.”
- Use Visual Aids: For younger children, visual charts can make instructions clearer. For example, create a checklist with images showing steps for getting ready in the morning: brushing teeth, putting on clothes, and packing a bag.
- One Step at a Time: For younger kids or children with shorter attention spans, give one instruction at a time: “Put your shoes on first. Then, grab your backpack.”
- Repeat and Confirm: After giving directions, ask your child to repeat them back to ensure understanding. For instance, “What are the two things I asked you to do before dinner?”
Examples in Action:
- Complex: “Get your shoes, your coat, and your lunch, and then meet me at the door.”
- Simplified: “First, get your shoes. Let me know when you’re done.”
5. Listen closely and be honest when responding.
If your child wants to talk to you about a serious topic, such as COVID-19, make sure they have your full attention. Don’t interrupt when they are talking, make eye contact, and most importantly, listen.
Understandably, kids have questions about COVID-19 because they are concerned and worried. They look for adults to provide them with comfort and reassurance. When answering their questions, talk calmly and be honest.
If you don’t know the answer to a question, be honest and tell them you are not sure but you will try to find the answer. But, it is imperative that you try to obtain the answer to their question and follow up with them.
There may even be some questions you will never be able to answer and it is OK to say that. Comfort them by letting them know sometimes not everyone has the answers or the ability to predict the future.
6. Consider their age and maturity when answering questions.
When responding to your child, it is also important to make your answers are age-appropriate. Older children have more access to media sources. You can ask your child open-ended questions about what they are seeing online or in the news and what is concerning them. For example, you can ask, “What are you hearing about the coronavirus? or “Where are you getting your information?”
Show them credible websites and resources to obtain their information. If they seem overwhelmed, talk about limiting the amount of time they check the news.
7. Follow their lead.
Many younger kids may just want to talk and it’s important to follow their lead. Don’t offer more information than they are looking for. Use a calm voice and provide a safe space for your child to express their thoughts or fears.
I’ve used COVID-19 as an example, but these tips can be used to talk to kids about topics such as bullying, friendships, world events, etc. Soon, you will be more confident about communicating more effectively with your child.
Continue to check in with your child periodically and initiate these exploratory conversations. If you are concerned about increased bouts of anxiety or worry in your child, you can always reach out to a pediatrician or mental health professional.